Me and Thoreau and my work

This really ought to be two posts, but instead I'm going to link together two totally unrelated rambles, so get ready:

Because I get excited about little, silly things, I've constantly got something to look forward to or celebrate. An impromptu walk around the block, a new episode of Grey's Anatomy, glancing up at the clock right when it reads "4:56," and hundreds of other tiny things can perk me up, make me smile. But I've been thinking lots lately about making the choice to be happy, even when I don't have any particular reason. And then I saw this quotation this week, and it is just so apt:

"I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual. It is surprising how contented one can be with nothing definite--only a sense of existence. My breath is sweet to me. O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. No run on my bank can drain it, for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment."

Henry David Thoreau

I am definitely rolling in vague indefinite riches.

But I will have to wait until tomorrow to be happy for no particular reason. Tonight I celebrate with a cause: I had big success in one of my cases at work today. (Like, *BIG*!)

It is a little confusing to swing so wildly between feeling like a fraud in grown-up's clothing and utter smugness at my mad legal skillz, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the smugness. I look forward to the day when I settle into a happy medium of feeling generally competent with an odd good or bad day. But for now, I'll take smug as it comes.

Whew! Did that messy segue make you tired? Me too. Goodnight.

Love, J

Lily on a shelf, and an update

Not much news-wise around here, but I thought I'd pop in to say 'hi.'

Hi.

We've gutted the house top to bottom for the new year, bagging LOTS of stuff and packing it off to Goodwill. It's how we complete our household's consumerism circle of life, since everything comes from thrift shops to begin with.

I read the final Harry Potter book last weekend. And if "Twilight" made me feel like writing on a larger scale was an accessible, not-impossible thing to do, "Harry Potter" has had the opposite effect. JK Rowling knows her shit.

I've settled into the dream job right nice, though I'm still pinching myself every once in a while. And I'm learning that housing law is a tad more complicated than I'd counted on. Apparently there's a lot more to it than the landlord/tenant gimme-back-my-deposit questions I fielded as an intern.

Oh, and I've begun my first quilt. I think. The fabric I'm using is unusual and inconsistently textured, so it will be quite a lucky thing if it all turns out. But I'm having fun trying! Pictures soon, next time I'm home when it's light out.

Love, J

Another change

I'm in yet another professional transition, and am seriously hoping that it is my situation, and not just an inborn restless, impossible-to-please-ness, causing me to move on. After angsting over the rough edges of my job for enough weeks in a row, I reached my breaking point and ended things by leaving myself without a job to angst over.

Which solves all the external yuckiness (or it will, once I am replaced and out of here), but I'm still plagued by a tiny but niggling voice suggesting that some of the dissatisfaction may be internal. Wouldn't that be unfortunate.

I feel like I should have everything figured out by now. That by 26 (almost 27), I ought to know what I'm doing. Or, at the very least, where I am headed. I think that by doing the college-then-law-school thing, I fooled myself into thinking I had a plan, and that I wasn't susceptible to this kind of drift. But school ended, and with no more marked trail to follow (freshman, sophomore... 2L, 3L), I've lost my momentum. And in the process learned that momentum is very key to my ability to get anywhere.

So now I drift. I'm just bobbing along, hoping to wash ashore of wherever I'm meant to be and thus avoid the scary (probably inevitable) fact that such washing does not happen. At some point, I'm actually going to have to choose.

Fortunately, thanks to this job, I know better what I am not willing to compromise. And while it would be hugely unwise for me to detail the ugliness of my short foray into legal assisting here (even understanding that I have at most 5 followers - Hi Aunt Sue!), I will at least defend my decision by declaring that the objective unpleasantness of this position justified my leaving. For reals. And this will always be true, even in the event that my life unfolds in a way that proves me to be a quitter at heart.

(But uuuuuhhhg, I hope that's not what happens.)

Stay tuned.

(Bye Aunt Sue!)

Love, J

Drawbacks

Sweet Sarah's having troubles too - Lily wants to murder her.
Makes my problems seem so silly.

We're going through a transition at our house, as I shift from full-time
maid/chef/bunny cuddler/yogi/gardener to real life, grown up attorney at law.

This transition has not been as smooth as I'd hoped.

It isn't that I don't like the work - I love my job. Love. Seriously, after a year-long hiatus, pleadings and interrogatories and yellow legal pads never looked so sexy. My boss is cool, the work is challenging and rewarding, and, I don't mind saying, I am pretty awesome at lawyering. I've had my "maybe-the-law-wasn't-the-best-choice" moments, but when I'm out there really practicing, I do feel like this is what I was built for.

The problem is that I liked all the other stuff too. As much fun as it is to put on my fancy clothes and drive downtown for work every day, I still wish I could leave each evening with enough time left to have a whole other "home" version of my day. Just a few extra hours that I could spend weeding, hanging laundry and knitting a bit. Instead of face-planting diagonally across the bed.

In a perfect life, I'd sail into the driveway around 5:30, the hubs would get home around the same time, and we'd eat a good dinner together. Then we'd sit on the back porch while the sun went down. He'd read (or snooze, if I'm being honest) while I wrote for a couple hours. All four rabbits would play together nicely in the yard.

In real life, I've been getting home much, much later, as has my darling husband. If we do eat together, it's fast food, late. We haven't even had the energy to stay awake and watch a bit of TV together, nevermind anything as rewarding as writing. And the damn rabbits are still at each others' throats, with no truce in sight. (I realize this sounds like a ridiculous thing to whine about, but it really does bother me that they're not all happy. And now that we're both working all the time, I don't know how we'll wind up getting them all bonded.)

We are only a week and a half into this new normal. I'm trying to think of it as a new workout routine, where you get really sore and hate it at first, but then your body adjusts and it's all okay.

We will see!

Love, J

So, I found a job...

And start tomorrow. I can never tell going into these things, but I'm 90% sure this is a great opportunity. More importantly, I'm 100% sure it's at least an opportunity of some kind, and it's the first one to come along in the almost-a-year I've been on and off hunting, so I am very grateful for it.

During my jobless months, I've acquired a skill that a year ago I didn't even know I lacked: the ability to keep busy. Without school or work, I can easily fill my days with TV and napping. It is more of a challenge for me to cobble together an actual real life when I don't have that one main activity around which to orbit hobbies and chores.

But in the last couple of months, I have really gotten it together. Instead of spending all day in my jammies zoning out to reruns of How I Met Your Mother, I've been getting up early for yoga, working a few hours a week at odd jobs, volunteering, gardening a ton, taking care of the bunnies, and spending time with G. I haven't lost my finely honed relax-and-do-nothing skills, but I can now compliment them with the ability to be productive even without structure.

But I'm still looking forward to having the structure back. And the money. The money does not hurt one bit.

More on the job later. And the rabbits. And the garden. And our next visit by a very cool guy.

But now I have to attend to the many loose ends I need to tie up before I report for duty tomorrow, the first day of my legal career!

Love, J

Swearing in

What a happy day.

Love, J