My relief, it is complete

Finally.

Love, J

Let's talk about me

1.) I am done with the test, and I don't want to talk about it. I've learned my lesson about predicting the results of this particular beast. (Plus it was hard and stupid and I'm trying to push my not-very-hopeful feelings about it out of mind.)

2.) I've got THE greatest people in my life, period. Aunt Micky, who skipped work to travel across the state to deal with the black cloudiness of me this week just so I'd have company. My hunky husband, who cleaned the house (including the TUB-I can now take a BATH when I want to! Joy of joys!) while I was away. My friend Callie, who ensured there would be the sweetest card of encouragement waiting in my mailbox on my return today. Wow.

3.) Melissa Etheridge is making my day. She rocks.

4.) Happy part of the trip: the crapload of thrift shopping aunty and I did. I scored 2 cutting boards, a tart dish, cake decorating supplies, a couple smoke detectors, and 7 dresses, including the one I wore to a job interview this morning:



And the interview went well enough that I start training on Saturday morning, so that's cool. I'm quite ready for real life to get started already ; )

Love, J

Hey, hey here I go now

The house looks like a bomb went off in it.

Since I sleep nights and he sleeps days, the hubs and I have both been just shoving that laundry to the opposite side of the bed whenever we need to lay down. It's moved back and forth about 6 times now.

The oven hasn't been used in ages, except to heat frozen pizzas.

My normally uber-rigid (says husband) household budget has been on hiatus for months, and our credit card is being used WAY more than usual.

And I've been ignoring almost all my friends and family for so long that I'm a little fuzzy about what you all look like.

But it will all be worth it when I earn a perfect score on this God-forsaken exam. Expect to see interviews of me in all manner of boring legal publications, explaining my secret to success. (But you'll hear it here first: before succeeding, fail. Your new insecurity will spawn a work ethic you never knew you had in you.)

And accompanying the articles will be photographs of me looking very relieved. And in those photos, my hair will be freshly washed, because by then I'll be making time for stuff like that again.

I'm off!

Love, J

PS ~ When I get back, I'll introduce you to Vinny, Lily's new buddy. Assuming she doesn't devour him whole by then.

One week from today (and tomorrow)

I am ready.

Love, J

I'd show you today's to-do list but I'm too ashamed

5:50 am ~ Up before my alarm goes off. Take this as a good sign.

6 am - 1 pm ~ Alternate between staring at my constitutional law outline without anything sinking in, napping, and berating myself for my lousy work ethic.

1 pm ~ After a good long nap, I read through the outline start to finish 3 times and feel like I'm starting to understand it.

4 pm ~ Hubs wakes up and we watch 'The Hangover' while we eat. You know how people joke around and say 'I feel dumber just for having watched that,' after they see a really lame movie? In this case that is literally true, because that was 2 hours I should have spent studying. And that movie SUCKS. I'm sad for Ed Helms and Rob Riggle, that they would be in something so terrible. I hope they got paid a lot for it.

7 pm ~ Hubs leaves for work. I haven't accomplished 1/10 of what's on my to-do list. Time to focus.

7:30 pm ~ Can't focus.

8 pm~ I wonder if I can braid my hair into a circle?

8:15 pm ~ Cool, it worked.

8:30 pm ~ So I guess I'm really not going to get anything done today.

BUT, then I saw my inbox had a new graded essay I'd sent in a few days ago.

The grader says:

BRAVA, Jessica!!!!!!! This was excellent! [some boring stuff here with a few tips] Go celebrate for 10 minutes!

And I got a 9.5 on it. Out of 10. Yippee. Almost makes me feel less uneasy about taking off the past 10 hours, rather than minutes... eeshk.

Love, J

PS: Don't let all these I-didn't-get-any-good-studying-done-today posts fool you. I've been working my butt off and feel pretty ready for the exam. I just happen to write on here when I'm having less productive days, so you're not getting a very representative sample ; )

Life 'round here today

She knows when I need some encouragement.

17 days left.

Love, J

Garland and the grindstone

The garland is ready to roll for the shower this weekend. I'm pretty excited for it.

Apparently, having only one or two social events a month ramps up my enthusiasm for each one ten-fold. But parties are always big fun, and as a gift-giving fanatic, showers rank high on my list.

I'm still plugging along, studying lots each day. I don't yet have a firm grasp on every subject, but I at least have a light hold on them all, with a little deeper knowledge of a few. With almost a month left to go, I'm happy with my progress.

I'll be glad when it's February in a few days and I can tell myself, 'It will all be over this month.'

Love, J

Keeping me company

Love, J

Time out toy making

I could not focus on my studying last night. Flipping through my flashcards, everything blurred together.



Hands are getting restless. Time for a break.

To make something pretty for my first niece, who is due to arrive in two short months.


I meant for it to be a ball, but it came out a star.
I like it.



And now I feel better. Calmer. Ready to get back to work.

Love, J

At least it's cold outside this time

I appear to have been overly optimistic on my ability to keep up with posting as the exam approaches.

Studying is kicking my ass.

Other than a couple trips to the grocery store, I haven't left the house since Christmas day.

I've stopped getting dressed, and I have no idea what day of the week it is.

My brain is fried. Twice I've loading the washing machine, put in soap, and wandered off without running it, only to come back a day later and be confused about why the clothes were still dry. I started a small kitchen fire yesterday when I got sucked into the black hole of Secured Transactions and forgot I had something on the stove. And then last night I collapsed in bed and was later woken up when the rabbit jumped up on my pillow, reminding me that I hadn't put her in her cage for the night.

The spontaneous, burst-into-tears hysterics have begun.

At least the hubs is being spared having to witness my hot messiness. He's busy with his first stint on the night shift, and our awake-and-home-and-unoccupied times only overlap for about 30 minutes each day.

I don't want to jinx myself (again), but the upside to all of this is that I do feel like the studying is sinking in. Slowly but surely. While I'm a physical wreck and an emotional basketcase, at least mentally I seem to be absorbing the information I need.

Probably this will be the last I'm on here for a while.

Love, J

Busy

The stack so far.

I won't be keeping up with my posts for the next little bit, while I scramble to finish my flash cards before Christmas. The end is in sight, it's just going to be a stretch to meet the deadline I've given myself - especially since we will start celebrating 'Christmas' on Monday with an early gift exchange with my in-laws.

Wish me luck!

Love, J

Blessings with a side of bitter

Counting my blessings tonight. The list is the usual: phenomenal and healthy man/family/friends. Quiet, cozy dream house. I get to sleep in tomorrow. Lots of green tea in the cupboard. Exceptionally fun weekend coming up, full of craft fair-ing by day and dinner with friends by night. Then dancing my cares away. The dancing can't come soon enough.

I had to fight my gag reflex all the way to the mailbox today, as I sent off my 10 page application and a check the size of our mortgage payment to pay for the privilege (their word, not mine) for sitting for the bar again. Then, like a moron, I logged on to Facebook, where I was greeted by a batch of photos from my friends' swearing in ceremony last week.

I am so happy for everyone who made it.

Just also very, very jealous.

What helps the most is reminding myself that everything is relative. If I have this much energy to be bumming so hard over a test, then my life is pretty awesome. Like, hot-cup-of-tea-and-hang-out-with-hunky-cop-husband tonight and misty-morning-run-study-then-hang-with-G-all-afternoon tomorrow awesome. Not too shabby.

Tomorrow I'll have to work harder at kicking this awful self-pity habit. And also probably stay away from Facebook.

Love, J

One of those days

The rabbit and I were both out of sorts yesterday.

I spent the morning recording my business law notes to iTunes so I can listen to them while I crochet. Around that same time, Lily turned into hell on wheels and started doing wind sprints up and down the length of the living room.

It was hilarious; she can't get very good traction with her little claws, so she skitters around and spins out and crashes into things. On the recordings, you can hear her tearing around in the background and then my voice gets all strained as I try not to burst out laughing.

Even though I tackled the recordings, mostly I spent the day without mustering any appreciable amount of ambition. It was one of those don't-want-to-leave-the-house days, so I ate what we had: a half a cucumber, some dry Rice Krispies and a brownie. I didn't get dressed until 6pm, right before I had to leave for yoga class.

In the late afternoon, Lily came off whatever high she'd been on and slinked off to nestle under our bed. When I went in to cuddle with her, she tolerated it for about 30 seconds before she bit me. After the hubs got home, he tried to coax her out and met the same fate. I was finally able to bribe her out with a piece of apple around 10.

We both just had a hard time getting it together.

Fortunately, the third member of our household had a better handle on things. After his big final exam at the academy yesterday, I received this text:


He graduates on Friday!

Today is already going better. And I have two more good things to say about Spokane:

1) Our neighbors across the street have chickens and sell the eggs. I love how 'Little House on the Prairie' this makes me feel.



2) Spokane has weather. It RAINS here. It SNOWS here. It gets HOT and COLD here. None of the temperate, practically the same temperature all year 'round junk that we had on the other side of the mountains. This morning it's gorgeous and cold and foggy. Very Christmas-ee.

The view from my herb window in the kitchen.

Love, J

PS ~ My little project is coming along...

Got myself a little study bunny

I have a riddle for you. Don't you love a good Monday morning riddle? Of course you do.

Whose visit means I have to put our power cords up high...



And can get me out of my warm bed when it looks like this outside...



And when I know I am about to spend my day becoming reacquainted with the Uniform Commercial Code?


Lily the rabbit, of course!


The incomparable G, who among many other things is generous beyond her 11 years, gave Ms. Lily permission to spend a few days here to keep me company and boost my morale as I take up my legal studies once more. And I must say, she is just the most delightful house guest. She silently hops around exploring things, eating the treats I leave out for her and retiring to her cage when she wants to rest.


It's great to have another little soul in the house, even if she's not very chatty.

If you too are experiencing a stormy Monday full of the one task you dislike more than any other, I highly recommend finding some bunny to share it with. It really takes the edge off.

Love, J

Failure

A week ago, I almost wrote an entry on law school and how it had cured me of my pride. How every other student in my class had traveled extensively, had great careers and multiple post-graduate degrees, and were more worldly and well-spoken than I could hope to be if I lived 3 lifetimes. And how after spending my life at the top of my class, being at the bottom gave me much needed perspective and humility.

This week when I found out that I failed the bar exam, I realized that law school had not humbled me a bit.

I know this because I opened my mailbox on Monday with as much hubris as I've ever had, fully expecting the letter to begin with 'congratulations,' and not, 'we regret to inform you.' Even after spending three years at a school full of people who are smarter, more talented, and harder workers than I will ever be, I still was stuck up enough to assume I would be one of those who passed the test.

Because most people do pass. This year there was an exceptionally low pass-rate, and it was still something up near 70%. And also, because I studied. Really, really studied hard. I have never tried so hard at something and then failed so utterly.

When I called my exam prep school yesterday to ask what I should do next, the woman I spoke with looked up my file and said, 'Oh. Your practice essays were well within the average - I wonder what happened?'

Yeah, lady, you and me both.

And I wasn't even close to squeaking by, either. If you score within a certain margin and still fail, the bar association lets you appeal the decision. I wasn't even near the appealable range. My scores were so low, it would be almost funny, if it weren't so heartbreaking. I mean, I really tanked.

And so now I start all over again. I'm going to give myself until Monday to nurse my ego and overcome my denial, and then it's back to outlining and flashcards and essays until the next exam at the end of February. Oh, it makes me sick just thinking about it - it was all supposed to be OVER when I opened that letter, not about to begin again.

But mostly I am dreading it because now I am truly humbled. And while my ego may not have helped me pass the exam, it certainly kept me going while I studied over the summer. Every time I'd run out of steam, I'd think, 'All you have to do is keep going. Of course you will pass if you just put in the time and give it 100%.'

And then even after giving that 100%, I came up way short.

So what am I supposed to say to myself when I get worn out and run down while studying this time around?

Oh, I'm sure there's a lesson in this. But I'm still too freshly stung to see it.

Love, J